LIVE BY DESIGN | The choices we make today: Shaping our future as grandparents

My best memories of my maternal grandparents are the Christmas holidays I spent with them. I remember one particular day vividly; we were sitting in the kitchen with my grandmother, watching one of my cousins washing dishes after supper. On that day, just like many other days, I was recounting tales from KwaMashu with much drama and a tinge of exaggeration. You see, I had never been particularly interested in house chores; I didn’t mind observing others as they went about their cleaning. Instead, I would follow them around and entertain them with my stories.

On this particular night, I was in my element, blissfully unaware that my grandmother was in no mood to indulge my antics. My 73-year-old grandmother quietly asked me to pass her a drying cloth. Confidently, I handed it over. She immediately came down on me about my audacity to think I could avoid helping. She looked me in the eyes and asked, “Who do you expect to wipe the dishes?” With a reluctant sigh, I gave in, took a cloth, and started helping.

Lesson learnt. There were many subtle and unsubtle attempts by her to domesticate me during those times. I must say she succeeded only in making me interested in cooking while failing miserably in teaching me my way around flour for baking.

I asked a group of journalist colleagues about their best grandparent memories. Nearly all of them cited Christmas holidays, cooking lessons, and the invaluable wisdom passed down through generations.

Only a handful mentioned physical activities, which was surprising given the profound impact those moments can have. As they shared their cherished stories, the smiles that beamed on their faces reminded me of the unmatched role and joy that grandparents can bring to their grandchildren.

It is clear that while the lessons learned in the kitchen or around the holiday table are significant, the love, laughter, and shared experiences – whether active or contemplative – create lasting bonds that shape us into who we are today. These relationships not only enrich our lives but also instil in us the values and traditions that we carry forward, making time spent with grandparents truly special.

As I reflect on my cherished moments, I realise that I don’t have any memories of doing physical activities with my grandparents. By the time I came along, their mobility was limited by age. They were wonderful storytellers and provided an abundance of love, yet their physical capabilities constrained our interactions. Fast forward to now.

At 49 years old, I am a grandmother to four grandchildren, courtesy of my siblings. After struggling with my own health for years, I made life-changing decisions eight years ago. I weighed 150kg and my mobility was severely impacted. Thanks to gastric bypass surgery I now enjoy a healthier weight of 73 kg and can play freely with my grandchildren in physical activities that bring us closer together.

My child will turn three years old this December. What kind of grandmother will I be for his children? I’m likely to be in my seventies when that happens. Will I have the opportunity to be present in their lives? Given the chance, what impact will I have on their upbringing? I know I’m looking decades ahead, but it is the choices we make in our lives today that pave the way for the kind of grandparents we can aspire to be. And this requires preparation.

It is not enough to simply hope to be a good grandparent; we must actively seek to cultivate the qualities that we want to embody. Just as my grandmother instilled values and lessons in me – whether through gentle nudges towards responsibility or through her unwavering support – I want to impart similar values to my grandchildren. Prioritising our health is also crucial. Our physical well-being directly influences our ability to interact and engage with our grandchildren. Whether it involves regular exercise, maintaining a balanced diet, or managing chronic conditions, these choices significantly shape our capacity to partake in their lives fully. Especially as modern grandparents, we have an opportunity – indeed, a responsibility – to ensure that we are fit and capable. This means setting a precedent for our grandchildren, demonstrating the importance of self-care and healthy living from an early age.

Emotional availability is just as important as physical presence. In a world filled with distractions, it is easy to become preoccupied with technology or our own agendas. To be the grandparent that my grandchildren deserve, I must learn to put aside my devices and engage in meaningful conversations with them. This includes listening to their stories, understanding their dreams, and supporting their endeavours. Emotional availability fosters a bond that goes beyond the surface level and creates a foundation of trust on which they can rely. Additionally, taking the time to educate ourselves about the world in which our grandchildren are growing up can be immensely beneficial. The landscape of family dynamics, technology, and societal norms is ever evolving. Embracing this change and learning alongside them allows us to connect on a deeper level. It enables meaningful discussions about their interests, aspirations, and challenges, ensuring they feel understood and valued.

The role of grandparents can be invaluable. Grandparents frequently serve as anchors in their grandchildren’s lives. They provide wisdom, stability and, most importantly, unconditional love. Being a grandparent can mean so much more than only telling family stories or babysitting.

What kind of a grandparent do you plan to be? What choices are you making now, physically, emotionally, and educationally, so as to be able to participate actively in creating traditions and memories?