LIVE BY DESIGN | How can we prepare for the unthinkable? The impact of a loved one’s disappearance

A disturbing television news report about an Eastern Cape mother who’s been missing since 2021 left me cold.

A Newzroom Afrika reporter detailed the difficulties the Bili family in Libode, Eastern Cape, had been experiencing following the mysterious disappearance of their mother, Nolizwi Bili. She was last seen on 6 December 2021, at a local primary school where she taught Grade R.

On Thursday, teachers visited the family as the search for Bili continues. She was the sole breadwinner of her household. This story left me with many questions as the family expressed their hopes that she would one day return to them.

What have the past three years been like for the family? How do they grieve this loss? Will she ever be declared dead? What steps can we take to safeguard our households in the event of going missing without a trace? Can we even prepare for such an eventuality?

The story made news this week because local community members and the teachers’ union, SADTU, visited the family to provide food and clothing donations. They are actively collaborating with authorities to ensure the search continues.

However, an important aspect not covered in the report is whether there has been a move to declare Nolizwi Bili legally dead. This declaration could help the family access financial support during this difficult time.

In South Africa, declaring a missing person dead requires applying to the High Court for a “Presumption of Death Order.” This order presumes the individual deceased based on substantial evidence suggesting their death despite the absence of a body.

From my limited reading on the subject, there’s no mandatory time frame for applying, but the court considers the circumstances of the disappearance. Once granted, this order serves similarly to a death certificate, allowing for the settlement of estates and other legal matters related to the missing person. When someone goes missing, especially a breadwinner, the effects ripple through the family like a stone thrown into a still pond.

The immediate aftermath often involves shock and disbelief. Family members grapple with the uncertainty, swinging between hope and despair. In the case of the Bili family, the absence of Nolizwi creates a void that is both emotional and material. The pain of not knowing is compounded by the reality of daily survival without her presence and support. For families like the Bilis, the initial response may be a desperate search—contacting authorities, community members, and friends to gather any information that could lead to their loved one’s return.

This phase is marked by an overwhelming sense of helplessness and perseverance as loved ones cling to the hope that they will receive news, no matter how long it takes. While these efforts are crucial, they often leave families emotionally drained and isolated as time stretches on without resolution.

The financial implications of a missing breadwinner cannot be overstated. In many families, especially in regions where job opportunities are limited, losing the primary provider can lead to immediate financial hardship. Bills accumulate, and basic needs such as food, housing, and education for children become challenging to meet. The Bili family, reliant on Nolizwi’s income, faces the daunting prospect of navigating this new reality without her financial support.

Social services and community organisations have stepped in to provide assistance, but these resources are insufficient in the long term. The Bili family is now reliant on extended relatives or friends out of necessity, leading to feelings of shame and vulnerability.

As the absence of Nolizwi lingers, her family must now grapple with the possibility of declaring them legally dead.

This process is fraught with emotional challenges, as it represents a final acknowledgement that the person may not return. Different cultures have varying beliefs about death and mourning, which further complicates this decision. For many families, the hope of a reunion prevents them from taking this step, leaving them stuck in a limbo that hinders their ability to move forward.

In this context, the question arises: How can we prepare for the unthinkable?

While it is difficult to imagine a life without a cherished family member, taking proactive measures can help mitigate the impact of such a devastating event. Creating a comprehensive family safety plan can offer some peace of mind. Families should consider open communication about what to do if someone goes missing, including establishing a contact list, identifying trustworthy neighbours, and outlining steps to follow when reporting a disappearance.

Financial planning, such as establishing emergency funds and purchasing insurance, can also help cushion the blow should an unforeseen tragedy occur. Ultimately, the emotional burden of waiting for news about a missing loved one leaves scars that may never fully heal. The Bili family’s experience is a disturbing reminder of the fragility of life.